By: Mike Reistetter
While the students of Mount Saint Mary College still recover from the past week’s hysteria generated from a doctored photo falsely suggesting a violent clown’s presence on-campus, a new threat has slowly emerged to the forefront.
Reports from the Mid-Hudson Valley’s “Word Of Mouth Organization” confirmed a potential serial kleptomaniac is at large on campus, with the peculiar act known as “toweling” having seen a significant increase in occurrences.
“Just because more people’s towels are being stolen nowadays doesn’t mean it hasn’t been happening the whole time,” said Towelie, founder and advocacy spokestowel for the “Civil Rights Of Towel-Cloths Harmed” (C.R.O.T.C.H).
Towelie added remarks about his frustration with a “flawed and corrupted system” where the Towels of the MSMC community are seen as subservient to the persons and spilled liquids they are contractually obligated to clean and eradicate, respectively.
“I didn’t sign up for this sh*t,” Towelie complained. “And the only benefit we are promised is a rack to sleep on. Not even a shelf or cabinet. I may be on food stamps, but this is not the 1930s!
As Merriam Webster defines it, a towel is an “absorbent” used for “drying purposes.” Nowhere in this lucid description suggests an individual’s personal towel is open to capture or abuse by members of the general public. So why is this a prevalent issue impacting a wide-ranging population of students?
“People take what they feel they are owed,” said MSMC professor and toiletry expert, Dr. Chipotle-Away. “If you leave your towel out in a dryer over night, amidst this social climate, then you are saying, “this is not my towel anymore. This is a community towel.”
One toweling victim, an upperclassmen attendee of the college who wished to remain anonymous, reminded us it is just not that simple.
“Each year I come home with two less towels,” the victim said. “Now tell me, why should I have to pay my own hard-earned money on bringing FIVE towels back to school, when I knew full-well I was not going to be returning home with them?”
The victim went on to reveal after putting five towels in the dryer at 1:30am for an hour-long cycle last Tuesday, they went to bed, and were surprised to find all but one purple towel with a permanent coffee-stain had been uprooted.
“What this tells me is the perpetrator took just enough to satisfy his urges, but still paused to leave the one damaged towel behind, as to not leave the victim ‘hanging,’” said Agent Ellman, the Hudson’s Valley contact at New York’s FBI office. “Now we can safely determine from this evidence that our suspect list is limited to smug MSMC students with a slight conscious, but no detectable moral compass.”
Thanks to a collection of sketch artist-rendered drawings and attacker descriptions pulled from those who claimed to have seen or heard the “Towel Thief” bragging about their exploits, “The Bi-Weekly Omelet” is allowed to disclose the following information:
- He/she is a resident of the DC.
- He/she may have a noticeable uptick in fragrance and an elimination of previous restlessness or facial acne.
- He/she would have a consistently late-starting class-schedule, presumable based on the consensus that the rested Towel Thief conducts his business in the middle of the night while everyone else is sleeping.
- He/she conveys no sense of ethical awareness, and therefore would be prone to demonstrating attributes indicative of a carefree or guilt-free lifestyle.
If you have any information regarding the Towel Thief, please call me at: