By Mike Reistetter
Fresh off a good old-fashioned public roasting on Comedy Central, the rejuvenated ego of a once disgraced, and recently displaced, A-Lister has found himself fueling offers from some of Hollywood’s finest. But it was the soothing voice of the latest artistic renaissance that spoke loudest to Rob Lowe.
It was announced this Saturday, not a week after the previously taped Comedy Central Roast of Lowe aired on Sept. 4, he would reprise his role as “Number 2,” Dr. Evil’s right-hand man in the Austin Powers spy spoof film series (1997-2002). The spinoff, a dramatic mockumentary biopic of sorts, is surprisingly to be helmed by esteemed Mexican filmmaker Alejandro G. Iñárritu.
“I see in this man, a bit of myself—the constant battle between satisfying the public, and obsession with defying the natural order, to truly achieve magnificence through a distributable lens,” said Iñárritu, winner of consecutive Best Director honors at the past two Academy Awards. “If I don’t tell this man’s story by breathing new life into one of his most iconic caricatures, who the Penn will?”
Some of the distinguished roasters from last Sunday’s special have disregarded the announcement as the former West Wing actor’s last-ditch effort to add upon an already complete legacy.
“Rob Lowe was as roastable as the beef between Mike Myers and Dr. Seuss’ estate,” said annual roaster and SNL performer, the youthful Pete Davidson.
The film, titled Number 2 or (What Hurts The Roast is Impotence) has been labeled a spiritual sequel to both of Iñárritu’s trophy children, Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) and The Revenant. It will feature an older, bearded Number 2 in a Forrest Gumpian retelling of his backstory as the vice in-command for one of the more ruthless leaders in history. Juxtaposed, will be an arc carried by a Kubrickian journey of self-discovery for the modern day Number 2. He sets out to locate the mysterious “Trebor Ewol,” a performer overseas who revealed to the press Number 2’s life was nothing but an elaborate hoax that he (Ewol) originally created as a character outline for an independent film script he once wrote.
“The parallels with Manbird Mania (Birdman) are uncanny,” said indebted Iñárritu leading man Leonardo DiCaprio. “But the crux of this story, I have been told by Al (Iñárritu) will be aligned with Lowe’s internal struggles with himself, in the vein of my film with Al, The Revenant. But on a more massive scale, with an open-ended budget, and production values up the wazoo. (I’m) talkin’ mountain climbing with prosthetic limbs, crowd surfing across an actual cactus field, and speaking even less English than a singulinguist like me did to win my first Oscar.”
When asked if he would like to give Lowe advice on working with Iñárritu, DiCaprio smirked, letting out a quick laugh before becoming a bit more serious than anticipated, warning Lowe to “prepare to be treated like a punching bag, except the punches (will all be in) in your head.” DiCaprio then pulled our reporter in closer to him, before scanning to see if there were people “watching” him, finally whispering in his ear, “make sure you pee before you arrive on-set.”
Another leading man, Michael Keaton, was pressed via ambush interview during his promotional tour for his new film, The Founder about whether he wanted to give Lowe some advice. All he had to offer was a simple “get out of my way” before handing our reporter a McDonald’s cheeseburger, asking him to stick it in an unpleasant place (his mouth).
Lowe tackling this ambitious, “meta” collaboration with Iñárritu is not the first time he has indulged himself with self-aware media. The first foreign entertainer to bring Lowe “back from the dead” was funnyman Mike Myers, both in Wayne’s World (1993) and then again for the Austin Powers trilogy.
“I was there for him when he was not even there for himself,” said Myers. “I can never not lend a friend a hand.”
Myers is also attached to the project in an unspecified role, but most speculate it will be in absent voiceover form, potentially as the narrator.
“He (Myers) barely even has a face for radio now,” said published author and polarizing right-wing conservative Ann Coulter. “We asked him to do the audio for my new book In Trump We Trust and he just did a half-hearted Shrek (voice) the whole time. I think another one of his friends needs to drop dead before he can become inspired again. Does anyone remember who he had play Dr. Evil?”
The desperate-but-still-cool-under-pressure Lowe is ready to become both the mover and shaker The Academy will be looking for come next Oscar season. The film is due out on June 31, as Iñárritu is challenging himself with a rushed production schedule to accommodate Lowe’s demands for filming to not conflict with his “necessary summer vacation.”
“A man with a plan is the man with a tan,” said Lowe, via an interpreter, as he has already begun preparing for his role by unlearning the entirety of the English Language. “Just ask the man (mwah) who convinced his director not to title our joint passion project, “The (Ear)Relevant.”