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By: Mike Reistetter

The majority has grown incredibly tired, and it is time to politically correct a society incapable of defeating the clutches of fallaciously spoken rhetoric.

Now that I quite possibly have your undivided attention, abandon where your mind originally led you. Unto the unwritten backstory necessary to fuel the motivation behind the characters at large in any traditional story model, let us join together in redirecting the focus. This time, with the “chef-in-command,” the “break fastest man alive,” the “om-a-let-you-finish-this-scrumptious-work-of-protein-ecessive-art,” I give you, “The Omelet(te) Maker.”

“Welcome today, what would you like in your Omelet(te)?”

I bet you, the malnourished college student who was up all night and morning studying, now peculiarly ordering breakfast at 2:45pm in the residents’ dining hall, are too close to keeling over that you do not take the time to channel the inner stenographer within your mind.

To put it in laymen’s field of applicable terminology—say you were watching all the memories from your life unfold, not in any hypothetical “out of body” experience or anything, but were simply granted access to such technology through a streaming device comparable to the likes of Netflix, Hulu, or HBO GO. It is 4am, you definitely should have gone to bed hours ago, but you need to secondhand watch your own life as a part of your “Psychology of the Adam Sandler Film ‘Click’” class.

The food order recollection you choose to screen requires subtitles, for your eyes and mind are both resisting the urge to stay awake whilst too many fourth walls are breaking for your mental frame to withstand.

Leaping back to the point carelessly diverted away from, “the maker of all things right in this world” has asked you what you want in your Omelet(te)? Now tell me something, tough guy, how is it spelt in your closed-conscious subtitles?

It is spelt ‘Omelet,’ confirmable by the discrepancy separation outlined on Grammarist, a source we summoned for the basis of a Google Search Hail Mary.

According to the godsend, Omelet, the Modern English version, is the acceptable spelling when referring to the edible, meal-prepared item. In any other context of the non-food variety, spelling should follow the French version: ‘Omelette.’

But why does any of this matter?

As the first legitimate news source available to the students of NOBLE (Nobody’s Omelet[te] Backstory Lacks English) College, we feel the obligation to only divulge the truth through our reporting, and swear to admit when avoidable falsifications inadvertently make it to print.

However, we will not do that now. So what? Our column you can barely commit enough time to locating manually on your interfaces is spelt The Bi-Weekly Omelet. You think we messed up, don’t you? But guess what? A thesaurus’ entry of the word “eating” reverts the action to its formally synonymous term: “consumption.”

If you partake in news consumption, regardless of the standard of news the source(s) you frequent adhere(s) to, you are partaking in an activity known as “eating words.”

“We would never eat our own words if we did not absolutely need to,” says I, CEO of MSMC’s answer to The Onion. “So if you’re one of those freaks on a progressive, NOBLE diet, consider this your long-awaited cheat day.”