By: Mike Reistetter
After lunging into a limousine in Hempstead N.Y., the NBC Nightly News anchor began to perform a contact solution extraction, as smoke permeated throughout the backseat.
“This is a smoke-free zone,” said the driver, a bearded Caucasian whom Holt speculated resembled a certain former NBC employee.
“The stress I just had to endure through was li—“ The varsity letterman of interrupting conversations naturally jumped in to cut the disgruntled Holt off mid-sentence. But Holt was not smoking a cigar as his driver anticipated. No, a blast of steam was catapulting from each of his ears.
Holt was a visible wreck, not just because he had just finished moderating the first Presidential debate of the 2016 election—but also for carrying an even mightier burden. Said maniacal candidates, from each of the two major parties, completely ignored the overarching topic Holt designated for discussion.
“The candidates failed to address the real E-Shoes,” Holt told Davey Elle, The Bi-Weekly Omelet’s freelance reporter on the Long Island beat. “And as a result, an entire nation weeps as all their shoes remain untied.”
The media correctly interpreted Holt’s disgust as alluding to the brand of Velcro footwear designed for the laziest demographic of children with a penchant for glow-in-the-dark sneakers.
“Mandating these shoes would be positively lit!” said incumbent “Kid President” of the Viral Party.
But once Holt finally got a word in with our incessant and quantifiably unstable reporter-turned-celebrity-chauffer, he clarified his stance.
“I hammered the former Dean of Trump University with all the ounces of bombardment I could—but he never took the bait,” cried Holt. “We can’t just let her (Hillary Clinton) get away with such monstrous crimes.”
Holt broke his neutrality, albeit post-debate, by overtly accusing Clinton of signing documents rejecting software for the new line of E-Shoes, originally set to launch on Nov. 31st of this year, just in time for the Christmas shopping szn.
“She knew exactly what she was doing,” said local Kindergartener Joey Biden. “And now none of us can be like the cool kids.”
The aborted line of E-Shoes were to be called “Trumped Up Kicks,” says Expert Pun Analyst for The Bi-Weekly Omelet, Dick Wolff, of “Law & Order” fame. “If I were not contractually obligated to veto any further expansion of my ever-expanding franchise, I would have signed onto produce a miniseries about the E-Shoes scandal before anyone even presented me with the idea.”
While Holt could not comment on whether or not NBC was in talks to consider developing their own television movie or mini-series about the E-Shoes scandal, he did blink twice when asked: “blink twice for yes.”
“Someone needs to make sure this story is told,” Holt declared. “The future of America needs to know why our E-Shoes may never be fixed. If I were an ordinary citizen, and not an anchorman tabbed to referee a bout between Satan and The Devil’s Advocate, I darn sure would like to know of any contaminates embedded deep within all of our soles.”
The aforementioned family from the fiery flames of hell declined interview.
“That’s bush league, bro,” said former Celebrity Apprentice host Donald Trump as he wheeled over the grave of E-Shoes founder George Washington Harvard with a pair of vintage, 2004 Heely’s. “If I were the big deal in the land down under, believe me America, you wouldn’t hear the end of it.”