By: Mike Reistetter
While many Americans capitalize on the mythological phenomenon known as ‘Global Warming,’ flocking to each of their respective supermarkets to satisfy their annual fix with the purchase of a rarely-distributed winter product, one certainty remains clear—any establishment in the continental United States promoting sales of such at an obscure time other than the proper calendar month of December, have employed someone, or some entities who engage in ethically compromising practices.
As is the case this past weekend, where the U.S.’ main eggnog provider “Dairy Launds” has been suspended indefinitely upon admitting on the stand in a Federal Deposition they had tampered with an assembly line of ready-for-shipment nog cartons with a “contaminating stimulant.”
After offering a presumed sarcastic classification of the substance as “the holiday cheer” a trio of DL representatives were administered polygraph tests, with Reelnewz reporting all three produced similarly conclusive results.
“There is probable cause to assume these particular three have spiked eggnogs dating back to just before the turn of the century in 1999,” U.S. Supermarkets Commissioner, former FDA lobbyist and CEO of Electronic Cigarettes Nathaniel “Nat” Ecig announced in a press conference on Capitol Hill. “In spite of the fact that they have been the standard for the eggnog industry in this country since the mid 1980s, a further review by our panel boards will confirm all their efforts shall be discredited and eggnog will be discontinued from residing on our supermarket’s coldest shelves from here on out.”
Dairy Launds leaves behind a now tainted legacy responsible for healing a nation who endured through a San Franciscan Earthquake in the late 80s, an unprecedented terror attack at the World Trade Center in 2001 and a Hurricane that rocked New Orleans in 2005.
“While these events did not occur in December when our product was normally made available for purchase, the 12th month allowed all our devoted customers to reflect on the past year with a refreshing sip of our sweetening beverage,” said one of the Dairy Launds representatives facing further prosecution.
The bold, daring and now off-the-hinges defendant briefly paused to lather lotion on his sunburnt neck acquired from a year-long paid sabbatical in Miami, before further pleading his case—that his past morale outweighed his alleged crimes, appealing to the broader knowledge of the pupils who drink from his “fountain of truth” as he sought to make headway in correcting drastically low public perception polls.
“So what if we ‘technically’ cheated? Our founding fathers all had mistresses, and now all their faces are on money. But our faces, and our likenesses, will never be permitted entry into the coveted “Hall of Legend-Dairy,” let along actually be revealed to the public, in fear they will stop buying dairy all together now knowing how sour its providers have been the whole damn time.”