by Alexandra Hanlon

Attention students, faculty, and those who do not pay attention to school announcements: Mount Saint Mary College now requires that students take Home Economics (for women only), Physical Education (for both men and women), and sensitivity training (for men only). These new classes have been added to the core requirements for students to graduate. Don’t like to exercise? Oh well!  Can’t bake without burning yourself or a house down? Well, good luck! Guys, have you been dying to learn why girls are so sensitive? You’re in luck! These courses will prepare you for the real world… somehow.

Gym classes at the Mount will include the dreaded rope climb that you see in movies with the big kid who can’t lift his own weight and the weakling who can barely lift his feet off the ground. You will be required to run the mile like you did in high school; you will sweat, you will complain, and you won’t be able to sit in the back and converse with your friends like you can do in other classes. Each student will be paired up by skill level; a “5” is the most physically fit and a “1” has plenty of room for improvement.

The syllabus will likely read something along the lines of, “You must attend each class on time and be prepared. Those not dressed in the proper attire will be given extra clothes that the professor has collected. A midterm, project, and final exam will be given to ensure you have learned the proper skills for your health and well-being.” That is all they have come up with so far.

John Doe, when asked about how he feels about gym being a requirement for students, replied, “I think it’s a cool idea. A lot of people like to workout, so having a gym class is perfect. I just hope that those who are less physically fit can keep up.” Drill instructors are going to be hired to teach these classes as they can “break down a student and give them a challenge,” an unknown source has said. This isn’t going to your middle school PE class!

Home Economic courses here at Mount Saint Mary College will prepare women to be housewives or just good cooks…but mostly housewives. Johanna Siedel, president of the Housewives of America Club, is a profesional at cooking and working towards being a future housewife. Each woman taking this class must pass a series of cooking assignments. These will range from the very basic, like cookies, to the more difficult, such as crème brûlée. Every time a student succeeds with a dish, she is given a gold star on “The Future Housewives Board.” Real housewives will be hired to teach this course, since they know so much and are working on this “profession.”

We Jane Doe was asked about how she feels in regards to this new requirement, she replied, “I can’t cook or bake to save my life, so this course will teach me how to cook for a family one day. I don’t want to poison anybody by accident or get anyone sick if the food I make is poorly. Guys should take this course too!” Girls will get great satisfaction out of this course. Lesson number one: do not burn your house down.

It is a general understanding that guys don’t understand girls’ sensitivity. With enough talk on campus of breakups, hurt feelings, and misunderstandings, the women at Mount Saint Mary College took a stand and requested that this class be offered to men here to prevent heartbreak and general dislike of men.

In this class, the guys will be given scenarios where they need to document their feelings to understand their sensitivity. Their grade depends on their reaction as it compares to an Appropriate Sensitivity Scale.

Peter Pun, a student signed up for the course, had this to say: “Guys don’t understand this class and don’t really want to take it. I mean, would you want to be told you’re not sensitive enough to others’ feelings? It’s an okay class, but I can’t wait to see how this unfolds when guys try and use what they have learned on campus.”

Wendy Pan, a student who helped get this class on campus, said, “Well, one guy is eager to learn from this class. That’s good news. I know like a lot of the other classes they will take and forget what they learned, but I hope most of them see that you need to be a human being to feel. I’m not saying they aren’t, I’m just saying that having feelings isn’t bad thing.” Let’s all hope guys learn the importance of emotions and take something from the course.WARNING: May cause guys to become overly emotional and that’s only a small part of the syllabus. Good luck!

These classes will be coming to Mount Saint Mary College soon. Keep your eyes and ears open for more information!

You’ve been fooled!
This post was published as part of our 2013 April Fool’s Day edition. We hope you enjoy this issue!