by Amy Rice

The thigh gap is the newest body obsession plaguing young women across the United States. The thigh gap is a several inch space in between the upper thighs that is native to runway supermodels. Young girls in high school and college have been trying to achieve this look through diet and exercise, but desired results are hard to come by. For those of you striving for the matchstick leg appearance, here are some tips to push you closer to your goal.

1. Duct Tape
Duct tape comes in thousands of different colors, patterns, and textures now a day. So, what better way to minimize your thigh width than by tightly wrapping a roll of duct tape around the problem area? Slap on a pair of short-shorts, drive yourself to your local home depot, and pick out the color closest to your skin tone. If you can’t find the perfect match, don’t fret; choose any color you desire, and change into jeans to cover your zebra print thighs.

2. Liposuction
Liposuction is an expensive and invasive surgery, but since college students will be in debt for the rest of their lives anyway, a few extra thousand dollars won’t make a noticeable dent. Liposuction is a semi-permanent way to get rid of your detested thigh fat quickly and effectively.

3. Have Sex
In the wise words of Coach Carr of North Shore High School: “Don’t have sex, because you will get pregnant, and die.” What Coach Carr doesn’t realize is that death is one of the best ways to achieve the ever-desirable thigh gap! After death, the body goes through a natural decomposition process, which will surely reduce the thigh size of even the largest inner supermodel egos.

Go ahead, Knights. Lose those upper thigh inches once and for all with these three tips. If you still find that your thighs touch when standing in an upright position, get over it, love yourself, and embrace your health. Happy April Fool’s day to all, and to all—good thighs.

You’ve been fooled!
This post was published as part of our 2013 April Fool’s Day edition. We hope you enjoy this issue!