Mount Messenger leaves SGA, Joins The Galactic Federation from “Rick and Morty”

 

Image courtesy of: photoshop.com

By Mike Reistetter

 

In a world, where many school newspaper staffs operate as clubs under Student Government Associations, one editor decided to buckle up, for his right, to buckle down.

“Calling all Editors-in-Chief at Mount Saint Mary College. Calling all Editors-in-Chief. Report to ‘Quadrant: Dash 30 Dash’ or face immediate termination,” the P.A. system announced when a state-of-emergency alarm was activated after a pipe bursted in Rike Meistetter’s creatively inept brain.

“Mount Messenger” was on the brink of expulsion when Meistetter decided to execute the most daring and tactically devised scheme of his young reporting career—impersonating a warden of the galaxy to infiltrate the animated (and multi-versed) universe of the popular Adult Swim science fiction comedy series, “Rick and Morty.”

“I just wanted the most brilliant man in the universe to acknowledge my existence, my life’s work, and empathize with me,” said Meistetter. “For I, along with the entire planet, do sulk in agony as we await the verdict of his (Rick Sanchez’) fate come the return of his hit TV Show.”

While in Galactic Prison serving a four-to-six month stint for “violating cataclysmic censorship codes,” Meistetter engaged fellow inmate, the 60-year-old Sanchez in daily one-on-one interview sessions, using telekinetic technology only available on privatized planets with impenetrable orbits.

“Given that we could not speak vocally, Rick and I reached a verbal, or rather, psychological agreement, for me to reallocate Mount Messenger’s moniker, budget, portfolio, and floor operations to a sealed off area, right inside the prison,” Meistetter divulged. “ This will assuage the suspicions of the strictest authorities in all the galaxy. Right under their noses, yet they won’t even be able to smell us from light years away, let along within squanching distance.”

The Messenger’s offices are now located in the former cell of the galaxy’s most notorious criminal prior to Sanchez’ incarceration. The “pod” belonged to the late Hi-Mae Mustachio, an alien philosopher with human-like characteristics, famous for spearheading the Dinosaurs’ revolt against their captivity on Earth, and organizing the remaining dinosaur population’s controversial (and confidential until now, broh) migration to the Dino Sphere, an undisclosed planet (until now! Whistleblower yeah!)

The new Messenger headquarters is equipped with an arsenal of black market-purchased weaponry, an ancient desk made out of pre-historic wood, and a mirror embedded with the lasting, foggy memory of hip hop artist-turned-police-procedural-detective, Condensation-T, in his final form (R.I.P.).

“The only thing it’s missing is a portal that would allow the staff reporters to travel to-and-fro their office without a Christopher Nolan driven commute,” said “Rick and Morty” co-creator, writer, and voice actor, Justin Roiland. “We would write one in if any of this were at all canon to our Season 3 story arcs. Sorry, brohs.”

Meistetter and Mount Messenger would like to thank their predecessors and advisory board for putting the wheels in motion for what would become the biggest galactic transaction since Stanley Kubrick staged the moon landing for “The Council of Otherworldly Conspiracy Theorists.”

“We would not be where we are at today without the countless efforts and sacrifices of creatures like Hi-Mae Mustachio,” said Meistetter. “Without Mustachio, we would not have gained the insight on how to shave our paper from crumbling.”